Scene: The White House, Office of President Buddy

Buddy is seated, eating pretzels and watching the World Cup on TV.

Enter Aide

Aide: Sir, we've just received another offer to surrender from the terrorists.

Buddy: (swallows, with difficulty) Can't we just ignore it?

Aide: I don't think so, Sir. This one is different. It is another offer to surrender, but it also contains a veiled threat to run a video of the announcement on Al-Jazzearu. The whole world will hear that they are offering to end the war.

Buddy: Damn! Get Rumsphel and Ashcrape over here.

Aide: They're already on the way, Sir.

Buddy: Good. Now, have we verified the authenticity of the message? What is the source? Do we have the route of transmission?

Aide: Sir, everything seems to indicate the message originates from our enemies.

Buddy: Which enemies? The evil axis enemies? The Al Ka-Da enemies, the TallyBand enemies? This message comes from who?

Aide: Sir, I think you mean 'whom.'

Buddy: Well, OK, 'whom'?

Aide: Actually, Sir, they are asking the same question.

Buddy: What? What the hell does that mean?

Aide: Sorry, Sir. They say they are willing to surrender unconditionally, but there are some details they want cleared up first.

Buddy: No conditions, damnit. There has to be agreement on that. It's either unconditional surrender, on our terms, or the war goes on and on. Now that we have got that clear, what are they saying?

Aide: They say, Sir ...

Enter Rumsphel and Ashcrape

Rumsphel: We got here as soon as we could, Joj, having taken all the usual and necessary security precautions.

Ashcrape: Not breaking any laws, of course.

Buddy: Certainly ... we don't want anyone throwing the Constitution at us over our travel arrangements.

Ash: We are really keeping an eye on the Constitution, Joj. Thankfully, under present conditions it is somewhat malleable.

Buddy: Good. We must remember, this is war. It is war because I say it is war. In a time of war the Constitution must be protected, that is primary, and in order to do that successfully we must take some measures that ordinarily would be considered un-Constitutional. Are we agreed on that?

Aide: Yes, Sir!

Rumsphel: Hold it! I'm first.

Ash: That's correct, he's first. Go ahead, Rumps.

Rumsphel: Thanks, Ash. Now, Joj, it's true the President has extraordinary powers in war time; those powers allow him to override the Constitution when and where necessary. Right, Ash?

Ash: Strange as it seems, that is correct. Joj, all you have to do is keep emphasizing the necessity to protect the people from the threat the terrorists are to our sacred freedoms. Keep talking of horrors and murders to come. The people will understand that. It scares hell out of them. We need to keep 'em scared.

Buddy: What if some newsman points out that the freedoms we are protecting are enshrined in the Constitution? I can hear it now, our forefathers fought and died for these freedoms, and we are just giving them away. They will say that if we set aside the Constitution, then the freedoms are set aside.

Ash: Well, Joj, while that is technically correct, the people must trust us in this one instance. The people know that their leaders will be fair and uphold justice.

Buddy: The reason I wanted you here with me this morning is that we have received another offer to surrender.

Rumsphel: Damn!

Ash: Damn!

Buddy: They are threatening to take this surrender thing public, going on TV, ... so forth.

Rumsphel: OK. We had better take this one seriously.

Ash: Yep, we can't afford to have the war end. Not now, not now.

Buddy: Agreed. My view is that the offer is premature. We haven't accomplished all our goals.

Rumsphel: Right, Joj. We don't want them to make us look silly. After all, they started this war, actually declared war on us. Think of the bills we've spent ... uh, passed. Billions, billions ... just think of it. Gone, all gone. We have to keep the war going, Joj, there is no question about that.

Buddy: What do you think, Ash?

Ash: I agree, Joj. Our war acquires missing legitimacy from their offer of surrender. We need that. But we can't afford to accept a surrender. Mabe late, a lot later, but certainly not now. Right now you can claim extraordinary powers and get away with it, but if the war officially ends, you will lose those extraordinary powers, then everything must meet the Constitutional standards again. We can't have that. These are perilous times.

Buddy: Hmmmm ... How's this ... They started this war, and we will end it, when we decide, not them. What does the truce offer say, specifically?

Aide: It mentions a number of subjects, Sir.

Buddy: Let's take them one at a time. What's the first issue?

Aide: Specifically, they want a more definite declaration of war. They feel that "War against terrorism" is too vague. They feel there is no point in their surrender when the declaration does not specifically refer to them. They don't want to surrender 'into the air,' so to speak. Terrorism is too broad, and they want a document they can sign on an aircraft carrier in front of the cameras.

Buddy: What about that, Ash?

Ash: We've been trying to narrow it down. The trouble is that the 9/11 pilots are all dead. We are trying to make a more firm connection to the Al Ka-Da and Sam Saudi.

Buddy: Are you telling me we have spent about fifty billion dollars and the lives of a few American boys on this war, and we can't identify the opposing side? The public, the whole world won't accept that much longer. We have to find some opponents. Don, how are we doing on that?

Rumsphel: Joj, we just don't have much to show yet. I have been trying to find some Al Ka-Da members in Kashmir, but there is nothing definitive.

Buddy: What about the Philippines? Isn't there supposed to be a connection to the TallyBand there, with those A-BooSighIf kidnap for ransom gangs? We have taken a big risk there, considering the charges of anti-Islam, anti-Muslim bias.

Rumsphel: It looks like we may have to withdraw from there, Joj. We have rescued the hostages, sort of, and now the local populace is trying to bog us down there. There is a danger of undermining our troops.

Buddy: You mean Islamic fundamentalists are attacking our troops?

Rumsphel: No, Joj. It's worse than that. The locals want us to stay, keep spending money. They want more infrastructure construction, more military payroll.

President Buddy: What's so bad about that? Maybe we can help bring some of them to our side. What do the government and the local Church say about it?

Rumsphel: I don't have all of it, Joj, but the picture seems to be that it is working the other way.

Buddy: Spell it out for me, Don.

Rumsphel: Joj, our Special Forces troops are too eager to liasion with the local girls, who are real beauties. We can't keep them apart. In the south, they are all Muslims, and in order to attract them, the boys are converting to Islam.

Buddy: How can they do that?

Rumsphel: Joj, Islam is actually very attractive, once you look into it. It rational, which makes it hard for us to demonise. Thanks to the girls, the Muslims are making more converts than we are. My advice is to withdraw, in order to minimise our losses. It won't do for the press to report we are susceptibile to Islamic conversion. We could make the soldiers deserters, traitors even, but that policy will only wash for a little while.

Buddy: I agree. We can't make demons out of the Muslims while our boys are becoming battlefield converts. Let's get out of there with as much dignity as we can, and if we can't get out with dignity, then let's just get out.

Rumsphel: OK. I'll tell the generals. What about our continuing presence in Southeast Asia?

Buddy: What do you suggest? We don't want to rouse the Chinese against us. We have enough trouble with them already. If they supply mobile anti-tank and anti-helicopter rockets like our Stinger to the terrorists, our troubles will never end. Maybe we should get Powoolool in on this ... Never mind, we know where he stands.

Rumsphel: I think we can withdraw to the carriers, Joj. We can circle around in the South China Sea, and go into Singapore and Hong Kong occasionally for fuel and supplies.

Buddy: Are they safe?

Rumsphel: Sure. They always have been. For one thing, they aren't Muslims. That's about as safe a harbor as we can find nowadays.

Buddy: What about the Malaysians? They are Muslims. Are they trustworthy?

Ash: No, they're a problem. Mahathir is unreliable. He is as slippery as a greased pig. One day he says he is helping, the next day it turns out he is just using us to justify the jailing of his opposition.

Buddy: What about the Malaysian Connection ... The MooseAreWe prosecution, and the links to Kuala Lumpur?

Ash: He knows how badly we need YazEar ShoeFat, and he won't extradite him to us for the trial. You remember we sent the head of the FBI, BubbaMuler, down there, hoping for some help. That was all a bust. It looks like Malaysia's Military Intelligence is playing games, putting provocateurs into innocent groups, then stirring up some drama, pretending it threatens national security. At first, there is interest, then it turns out to be a big drama. Now they are pretending to join our war to justify their repression, using us to get support for their local political schemes; they are just a bunch of bastards.

Buddy: What about the money, and the letter of authorisation from the Malaysian firm? Anything there?

Ash: It looks like it is all part of the same double game they are playing with us. Now we can't decide whether they have made this whole thing up, or are caught in something they are trying to cover up. Either way, they are a disgusting lot. We're forced to accept some smelly allies. We can't sell them any useful weapons.

Buddy: What about the man they arrested, have we been able to get access to him?

Ash: You mean ShoeFat. No, and we probably never will. Apparently, he knows too much about the undercover infiltrations and provocations the Malaysians are involved in. They have just released his wife, but after two months in their hands, she probably won't say much.

Buddy: Which side are they on, the Malaysians? Are they with us, or against us?

Ash: I'd say both and neither, Joj. They are acting completely in their own interest.

Buddy: They are playing a money game. What about the security cooperation? Haven't they been furnishing names and accounts?

Ash: Very unreliable. We can't trust anything they tell us. Whenever we act on their information, we end up making fools of ourselves. They came over here for frank discussions, as you recall, then went home claiming we are as despotic in our laws as they are. That doesn't help us.

Buddy: What should we do about them? What's your idea?

Rumsphel: Strictly customers at arm's length. We can't tell them anything of importance, that's certain. But we don't want them actively against us, either. Let's not antagonise them. We have been able to get some military support from them in the past, jungle training facilities, shore calls, that sort of thing ... basically they are a lot of scurvy thieves out to steal us blind.

Buddy: What about pressing them for more details on the MooseAreWe/Al Ka-Da material. The court has allowed him to make a show trial of this case by representing himself. What are our plans there, Ash?

Ash: We don't think he can do much to hurt us. He will probably end up making many purposeful procedural errors, hoping to force a mistrial. If he attempts to introduce any Islamic propaganda, we will shut him up by interrupting with interminable objections.

Buddy: Keep pressing Malaysia for more evidence. That would help us with the prosecution, help keep this war going, and give us a specific enemy to name. Now, back to the truce offer. What's the next issue?

Aide: They want a prisoner exchange. They want all the prisoners to be released and given transport to the city of their choice.

Buddy: Exchange? Do they have any of our people to exchange?

Rumsphel: We don't think so, Joj.

Buddy: So what 'prisoner exchange' are they referring to?

Aide: They say we are all their prisoner.

Buddy: What? That's ridiculous.

Aide: Sir, they say we have captured ourselves. By releasing the prisoners we can set ourselves free at the same time.

Buddy: That is too subtle for me. What can they be talking about, Ash?

Ash: I think they mean our steps to prosecute the war, Joj. When we cower down in defense of an anticipated attack, we limit our freedom to move. So long as the war continues, we cannot travel freely.

Buddy: Why should that burden us?

Ash: Joj, we are taking steps to prevent another attack. The airlines are obviously susceptible, so we have issued warnings and provided increased security checks at the airports. Baggage is more carefully screened, and suspicious characters are detained and turned away. It seems to be working. There have not been any more attacks. There are tradeoffs. Passenger traffic is dropping, the airlines have more empty seats, and some companies are facing bankruptcy. The tourist business is dying, both in terms of Americans traveling abroad and foreigners visiting the US. That's unfortunate, but it does reduce the risk of an incident.

Buddy: Do you think the war is adversely affecting the air travel industry?

Ash: Undoubtedly, and the ripples are taking other industries under as well.

Buddy: What does Goldspin say?

Ash: I think he would prefer acceptance of the truce, so long as we were certain it would end the threats.

Buddy: Well, ask him, and let me know. Don, can we afford to release the prisoners?

Rumsphel: Never! They are diehard enemies, Joj. If we release them, they will just start plotting another strike. We have to hold them forever.

Buddy: What about the claims they are illegally detained, that we are wrong to grab them and hold them indefinitely?

Rumsphel: It is a form of protection, short of executing them. It is an embarrassment, but we can't afford to let them go. Who knows what they will do next? Even if the 'war' ends, we cannot release these men.

Buddy: Does this mean we cannot accept the surrender if it means we must release these men?

Ash: I'd say so. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is.

Rumsphel: I agree.

Buddy: Can we afford the reaction of the international community?

Ash: We have managed so far, but it is a continuing problem. Most feel we have taken the wrong prisoners from a war that wasn't ours.

Buddy: Can we improve our position? Maybe we could turn them over to the new Afghan government, once prison facilities are available.

Ash: That would be seen as a surreptitious means of disposing of a sticky problem, and would undermine the credibility of the new government. Everyone already knows this is our regime change taking place, disguised as an ancient democratic process.

Buddy: Since we aren't interested in an end to the war, we needn't be too concerned, right?

Ash: Right. The problem is the public reaction to an offer of surrender. How will it look if we don't appear willing? There are other problems: the EndRun investigation is problematical, and we don't want too much probing. Can you imagine the outcry if they find some puts or shorts connected to someone in the administration?

Buddy: OK. Right. I'll keep the heat up, using the 'threat from unknown killers' that are 'out there in numbers' and say we can't trust any offer of truce or surrender until all of them are captured or dead. What are the other issues?

Aide: There are some other things, but I don't think they are arguable.

Buddy: Like what?

Aide: They seem to think the war is lost, not just for them, but for both sides. They say everyone has lost, and they are just letting us have the honour of winning to allow us to avoid the embarrassment of defeat. Their offer to surrender is just a noble gesture to allow us to avoid disgrace.

Buddy: That's ridiculous!

Aide: They say they've tried to help us see the immorality of our foreign policy, that the 9/11 event was just a wakeup call. They say that it was not meant to destroy the world economy. They say we have over-reacted, and rather than accepting it solely for its limited purpose, and taking a good look at ourselves and the consequences of our acts, we have just become more hardened and resolute in our injustice. They say this war is destroying the world economy, and that part is not their fault. They say they have a lot to lose too.

Buddy: We are resolute, that much is correct. What else?

Aide: They say all of our actions have contributed to an existing climate of violence in the hot spots aropund the world, and rather than promoting peace, freedom and justice, we have increased our allegiance and support of cruel undemocratic dictatorships. They say we have increased our invasion of privacy around the world, and have now lost our credibility as brokers of peace in areas of discord.

Buddy: That's a damn lie! Here we are trying to help settle conflict in areas where terrorists operate, and they accuse us of immorality. That's the kind of doubletalk we expect to get from these murderers.

Aide: They say we are more arms sellers than peacemakers, and that we cannot talk of peace while holding an upraised sword. They also say that time to surrender is running out.

Buddy: Listen to that! They are threatening us to accept their surrender. That's nonsense. What is their threat, a nuclear bomb?

Aide: No, nothing like that. They say we have created conditions that make a surrender increasingly difficult.

Buddy: What does that mean? We can accept a surrender whenever we like, though certainly not before the November elections.

Aide: They say we will soon be forced to fight for the oil we need to keep the cars and generators running. The Arab countries are losing patience with the Israeli's, and they not only control production, they also control the ships that carry the oil. They say the Israeli policy of claiming all the lands west of the Jordan River will lead to a meltdown of the world economy, which is already well advanced, according to them.

Buddy: Awwww Nawww! Goldspin says the recovery is well underway. Is that all? Is that essentially all the 'truce offer' says?

Aide: No Sir, there is one thing else.

Buddy: What's that?

Aide: They say that they have submitted totally to the Will of Allah, and they invite us to do the same.

Rumsphel: Fatalism. Nothing but fatalism. They have absolutely no understanding of the modern world.

Ash: That approach completely ignores the rule of law. The rule of law has kept the world sane and safe for centuries. We can't ignore the rule of law.

President Buddy: How is that thing signed?

Aide: It isn't 'signed,' in that sense, Sir.

President Buddy: How does it end, then?

Aide: They ask us to kneel down with them in humble submission, to seek our higher nature, to find the peace that resides deep within us. They say that when we have found the serenity that only comes from submission, we will then get the strength and courage to change, to seek peace and justice. Only then will we be able to think first of our brothers, the widows and orphans, and not think at all of security, money and material wealth for ourselves. Food, friendship and fellowship come first, not pride, possession and power. It seems they want us to join them in surrender.

Buddy: We certainly won't accept that. This is our war, and it will continue until we say it is over. No matter how much money it takes. By God, we will win! We will win if we have to kill them all. There will be no surrender! No surrender! Do you hear that!! NO SURRENDER!!!!

Rumsphel: We are prepared for an indefinite war on all fronts, Joj. We are ready. There is some question of sufficient manpower, but technology can overcome that.

Buddy: What about money? Can we get enough money?

Rumsphel: Money is problematical. We are already borrowed to the hilt. There is a possibility the dollar will collapse if we aren't careful. We are quietly supporting it, but the currency traders smell blood. People overseas are starting to wonder if we can keep on paying the interest. Arms sales are helping some, but commercial aircraft sales have about dried up. That's hurting us, but as long as we put up a bold front we should be able to borrow enough foreign funds to keep things rolling forward indefinitely.

Buddy: We can always use the Social Security funds if we have to. What about oil? How vulnerable are we there?

Rumsphel: We are very vulnerable if there is a long embargo. So long as the Arabs continue to accept the idea that 'oil is economics, not politics' we should be safe. If the Saudi royal family can withstand local pressure to help the Palestinians we will be OK, otherwise we would need to rely on the Soviets and Venezuela to carry us over until we can restore the sources. The Soviets seem solid enough, and we continue to work for a regime change in Venezuela.

Buddy: How do you translate "restore the sources," Don?

Rumsphel: The Saudi's and the Kuwaiti's have to be kept online. We don't know what that will take, but we are keeping the carriers in the Arabian Gulf.

Buddy: You mean the Persian Gulf?

Rumsphel: Whatever. Ask Powool, he's good with geography.

Ashcrape: We have the law on our side, Joj, and wherever we need to, we can amend it.

Buddy: OK, we're all agreed then. The war goes on. The surrender offer is rejected without comment. Frankly, we are fully committed. We just can't afford to end this war, and that is a fact. Just let's try not to get trapped into a shooting war between Israel and Palestine.