It was a nice clear day, and Alice was dozing beneath her favorite tree. Suddenly she heard a sound, and looking around, she saw an apparition, or at least it seemed to be an apparition. The barn had burned the day before, and it was suspected that a gang of barn burners were hiding in the neighborhood. "Oh, my," said Alice, "Do you suppose this might be one of the barn burners?" The apparition hurried on, glancing at his watch, and with an exclaimation that he was late, disappeared down a nearby rat hole.
"I think that was a barn burner," said Alice. "I'd better follow him, to make sure." Having said that, she made a great wish, shook off all her protective garments, squeezed herself into a miniscule form, and after becoming rather snake-like, slithered quickly down the rat hole behind the suspected barn burner.
She went down, down, deeper and deeper until she left the world she knew far behind. In fact, she found she forgot all about it. The thing to do now, she thought, was find the barn burner, and then to turn him in. This was her goal, and not even the thought of dinner could command her attention. As she slid out of the dark hole into the light, she thought of resuming her old form, but alas, she couldn't remember what it was, so she kept the new shape as a snake. She found it fitted her better than she would ever have thought, and she thought it was strange, because she had always been afraid of snakes. The funny thing was, now everyone would think that underneath she had been a snake all along!
Alice looked around. Everything had changed. It was a completely new world. She thought she heard a low singing sound, and going behind some bushes to investigate, she saw a giant Slug, weaving back and forth in the rising fumes of a Persian pipe.
"Hello," she said, "Have you seen a barn burner?"
"What did it look like," asked the Slug.
"It was a he," Alice said.
"How do you know? What is your proof?" asked the Slug.
"Because, he had a beard," said Alice.
"That's not proof," said the Slug.
"Yes it is," said Alice, "If it has a beard, then it is a 'He'."
"Maybe yes, maybe no," said the Slug, "But it isn't proof."
"What do you mean?" asked Alice.
"What I mean is, just because an apparition has a beard, that is not proof he, or it, is a barn burner," said the Slug.
"I'm sure he has a beard," Alice replied. "It was a white beard."
"You seem to miss my point," said the Slug, with some resignation, "But anyway, to answer your question, I saw him," said the Slug.
"Oh good," said Alice, "Which way did he go?"
"I'm certain I don't know," said the Slug, taking a long puff on his pipe, and blowing rings around Alice's head.
"Stop that! I don't smoke," said Alice, "Now tell me this ... if you saw him, why don't you know which way he went?"
"I don't know which way he went because he is an apparition," said the Slug.
"What difference does that make?" asked Alice.
"You silly girl. Don't you know that an apparition can come and go as it pleases, without giving any hint to the direction it takes?"
"But doesn't the apparition leave footprints? Can't I find an apparition if I want to?" asked Alice, showing signs of growing frustration.
"Oh, no ... no footprints. An apparition leaves no footprints. If it did, then it wouldn't be an apparition, don't you see?" said the Slug.
"But I think this one might be a barn burner, don't you understand?" asked Alice.
"Oh, well, of course, that's different," said the Slug. "An apparition that is a fugitive, wanted as a barn burner, that is a serious matter."
"Yes, it is," said Alice with conviction, "Now, will you help me?"
"Maybe, and maybe not," said the Slug.
"What do you mean by that?" asked Alice.
"I mean that maybe I can help you, and maybe I can't, and that is what I mean," said the Slug.
"Oh, Drat!" said Alice, slapping her tail on the ground. "You are not answering my question."
"Which question?" asked the Slug, not a bit irritated.
"I only asked one question," said Alice. "I want you to answer it."
"No," said the Slug, "You asked two questions. Which one shall I answer?"
"You are just trying to confuse me," said Alice. "Tell me what two questions I asked, and I will tell you which one I want you to answer."
"OK. First you asked me if I would help you, and then you asked me what I meant by the answer I gave you. Now, which one shall I answer?" asked the Slug.
"The second one, I want you to answer the second one," asked Alice.
"But I have already answered it," said the Slug.
"No, you haven't, you haven't told me what you meant by saying 'maybe I can and maybe I can't'," said Alice.
"That is a third question," said the Slug, "But I will answer it anyway, to save some time."
"Good," said Alice, "I would like to save as much time as I can. Although I'm prepared to spend as much time as it takes, even fifty years if necessary, but I would like to make some progress once in a while."
"You have already made progress," said the Slug, "You have asked me to help you, that's progress."
"Maybe and maybe not, I'm not sure about it," said Alice, "Anyway, what is your answer?"
"Why are you in such doubt about it?" asked the Slug.
"Because, first you answered 'YES,' and then you answered 'NO'," said Alice. "That isn't really an answer at all."
"Yes, it is," said the Slug. "It is the best answer you can get when you are looking for an apparition."
"Are you going to help me, or not?" asked Alice.
"Let me answer you this way: if you insist on searching for an apparition, I will join you in the search. We will search for apparitions happily together forever and ever, but first, there is one condition you must agree to."
"What is that?" asked Alice.
"You must pay all the bills," said the Slug.
"OK, I will pay all the bills," said Alice, "Now, when do we start?"
"Just a minute," said the Slug, "I need some training. I am not a trained apparition hunter."
"OK, I will provide the training," said Alice, "Now let's get started."
"Not yet," said the Slug, "I need some equipment."
"What kind of equipment?" asked Alice.
"The hunt for apparitions, as everyone knows, require the latest technology. I will need not only the usual heavy equipment, tanks, helicopters and planes, but also laser bombs, surveillance and stealth technology," said the Slug.
"I can't give you that," said Alice.
"Why not?" asked the Slug.
"Because it is top secret," said Alice, "I can only give that to my closest friends."
"You can give it to me then," said the Slug, "Because I am your closest friend, too."
"No, you're not!" said Alice sternly, "I hardly know you. We just met."
"That doesn't matter," said the Slug.
"Why not?" asked Alice.
"Because this is an apparition hunt. We are either friends or we are not," said the Slug. "Besides, your closest friends are selling your technology to your enemies."
"How do you know that?" asked Alice.
"Because a few minutes ago I was a stranger, and since I was not your friend, I was your enemy," said the Slug.
"But you said you are my friend now," said Alice.
"I am now," said the Slug. "But before I was your friend, I was your enemy, and as your enemy, I bought your technology from your friend. As a matter of fact, I also bought some of your technology from your enemy."
"Oh, this is so confusing," said Alice. "Sometimes I don't know who is my friend and who is my enemy."
"That is the way it is when you hunt apparitions," said the Slug.
"But are you going to help me?" asked Alice, for the ummpteenth time.
"Yes," said the Slug. "As a matter of fact, I already have some apparitions in a cage out back."
"Can I see them," asked Alice.
"No," said the Slug.
"Why not?" asked Alice.
"Because they are apparitions," said the Slug.
"What does that matter," asked Alice.
"If I show you my apparitions, they will escape," said the Slug.
"No they won't," said Alice, "I will just look at them through the bars."
"You don't understand, you silly girl," said the Slug, "If I let you see the apparitions, and you try to talk to them, they will not be apparitions any more. They will just disappear."
"Oh, I see," said Alice, "And again, maybe I don't see. It's all so confusing. But I'm glad you are willing to help."
"What about the technology? I need the technology," said the Slug, "And some money ... I need some money."
"The money is no problem," said Alice, "But the technology, that is difficult. Let's do this ... I will bring in the technology, but it's not for you to see or use. I will operate it; is that agreeable?"
"Maybe, and maybe not," said the Slug.
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